10 Things I Learned From 5 Years of Marriage…

Today marks my 5 year wedding anniversary, (been together 6 and half years).

A friend of mine, who’s been with her spouse for 25 years, told me that every 5 years [or so] a relationship redefines itself.

So what does that mean exactly?

Let’s face it, you’re not the same person you were 5 years ago. (And neither is your spouse).

There are aspects of yourself that have changed. We grow and evolve, (hopefully). You can’t exactly [outgrow] your marriage though, can you? Well yeah – that’s called a divorce!

If you’re not growing together and looking in the same life-direction, how realistic is it to stay together?

What my friend was saying about every 5 years in a relationship was that the foundation of marriage (love, respect, trust) basically stay the same. But what’s built on that tends to evolve.

Here are the cliff notes of that conversation.

In the beginning maybe it’s based on attraction and sex, which builds into companionship. Then maybe it turns into the shared responsibility of raising children – building a family. It may then evolve into individually finding a way to reach meaning and personal fulfillment (emotionally, spiritually, career) – building a legacy.

During my marriage, I’ve experienced glimpses of those stages. While I can’t fully comprehend what my friend was trying to tell me without experiencing them, I’ve taken in as much as I can from those words of wisdom. After all, over half of marriages end up in divorce nowadays.

Now 5 years in, I expect only more wonderful years to come. Here are 10 things I’ve learned so far:

Do’s:

1. There are actually 3 entities in a marriage: [You], [your Spouse] and the [Relationship] itself. DO what’s best for all 3. Remember what may be good for you may not be good for the [relationship].
2. DO take time out of your busy schedule for each other and your marriage -like date nights. Remember those first dates? Even though you know each other well, it’s important to regularly compliment each other and keep the fire going.
3. DO pursue your own dreams. If you feel like you’ve sacrificed your dreams for your marriage, something is out of whack. Stay true to yourself, and your marriage will be all the better.
4. DO respect each other and be each other’s biggest supporter (not just a husband/wife). Respect is something that is lost in many long term relationships. Once that happens the relationship can only go downhill.
5. DO adapt to each other’s [communication styles] and learn what makes up each of your values.

Don’ts:

1. DON’T go to bed while upset with each other.
2. DON’T bring up mistakes from the past.
3. DON’T make attacks on personal character. People do stupid things, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid. (If it did, that means you’re stupid for marrying them, right?)
4. DON’T try to change the essence of who your spouse is. You can’t expect people to change. You can only change yourself.
5. Expectations lead to resentment. DON’T blame. Learn to take radical responsibility.

I couldn’t be more grateful for marrying the right person. In a world where so many couples only see each other briefly in the morning and evenings before and after work, it’s a huge blessing to get to spend almost all day, every day, with my wife and actually enjoy it!

As I begin to redefine my marriage, I look back at the first 5 years and consider myself a lucky guy.

Oh, there is another thing I learned from the last 5 years, (among many others). That is, when your wife is with a group of other women and they’re all yapping away like a bunch of hens – RUN!! There’s no place for the husband in those conversations!

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