Childhood Insecurities Turned Into Teenage Hostility

Isn’t it interesting which childhood memories stand out most? I’ve got some nice memories but to be honest, a lot of my memories are, well… not so nice. Is that true for you or is it just me?

Most of my childhood was great. I was a spoiled kid. My parents took me to Disneyland often. I got to travel to Korea and Hawaii every 4 or 5 years to visit relatives who gave me gifts. I lived in a nice area and went to a good school. I even got a brand new sports car when I turned 16. But how much can you know of someone’s happiness by looking at a snapshot of their life?

Much of those same childhood years were spent in loneliness. I changed schools 4 years in a row until junior high school. Hardly saw my father, who worked grueling long hours. I use to resent being Asian cause I was different. And as a kid, being different often meant not fitting in or being accepted. And at that age, social acceptance is critical to self-image.

I didn’t have many Asian friends growing up, living in mostly Caucasian communities. There were times when I looked in the mirror and felt disappointed of how I looked. My immigrant parents struggled to socially adapt, let alone raise me with Eastern values in a Western community and school system. This disassociation from my culture reflected my distant relationship with my parents and a great part of my own identity that I had a hard time accepting. It got worse and worse as I grew into my teens and had challenges dating.

When I was growing up, all the negative stereotypes of being Asian were constantly in my face – the slanted eyes, the glasses, the bowl haircut, nerdy clothes, being skinny and short, and looking nothing like the media portrayed standard of good looking white people.

Older kids sometimes picked fights with me. There was one time when I was about 10 a group of older kids surrounded me and pushed me around just cause I was Asian. One of them spit near my feet and said, “I spit on your race!”

So except for a few good friends, I actually avoided hanging out with groups of Asian kids. Isn’t that horrible?!

Instead of growing up, I grew shallow. I took all my insecurities out on my parents. My poor parents. Lost and confused, they tried to subdue my fierce rebellion and inner anger with material things. They tried to “buy” my love and forgiveness. But I didn’t know that, I was a frustrated teenager! I had entitlement issues cause I was angry and unhappy.

Traditional Asian culture doesn’t have open communication with their children. With the older generation it’s pretty one sided, more like dictatorship. An Asian child is suppose to obey his parents, no matter what, even if the parent is wrong.  It shows obedience, respect and honor. The child is suppose to serve his parents, by studying diligently and choosing a career that credits the family’s social status.

Affection wasn’t shown in my house. I hardly remember ever receiving a hug from either of my parents when I was a kid. I knew they loved me but they never actually said they loved me until I was in my late 20s!

The language barrier blocked any hope of mutual understanding. We struggled with even the most basic conversation. Most of my interactions with my parents during my teens were heated arguments, fights and A Lot of yelling. I ran away from home a couple times, took money from them, and was basically the poster child for birth control.

Martial arts was a huge savior for me. Although I didn’t practice regularly as a child, because of so many reasons, martial arts was still deeply rooted in my heart. When I turned 17 I discovered a way to apply my aggression. It’s where I first learned to tame my dragon.

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