Girls Fart Too!

Ok – so maybe I was in denial most of my single life. But c’mon, am I the only guy that believed, or more accurately, wished that girls didn’t fart? Is that being sexist?

I remember one “traumatic” incident growing up. I must’ve only been about 8 years old. I was in the living room doing my homework. My mom was also in the room reading a paper in the squatting position, (famously known as the “Asian Squat” or Kimchee Squat”). It’s totally quiet when all of a sudden I hear this huge flappy fart! My mom yells, “Seteebu!” (that’s how she says my name.)

She looked at me accusingly as she giggled. But it wasn’t me! There was only the two of us sitting there and she had the audacity to blame me. I was so grossed out and got so upset that I left the room. As an 8 year old, I knew she was trying to make a joke out of it. But to me, it was more gross and insulting than it was funny.

Flash forward a couple decades. Now I’ve been married for a number of years. It’s funny how social etiquette in a relationship diminishes as time goes by. Farting is certainly not the most feminine or sexy aspect of a girl whom you’re attracted to. Once and a while can be cute and funny, but that’s about it.

The variety of fart sounds are hilarious. There’s the girly little “toot“, the manly “riiiiiip“, the “wet flapjack”, the balloon “pop!”, the snake “hisssss“, the singing fart symphony, and let’s not forget the “silent but violent“ room clearing fart. We’ll leave the odor varieties out of this one!

One of my favorites has to be, what I’ve coined as “the locomotive fart“. It’s when she laughs while farting. As if the laughter is what powers the fart, like the “choo choo choochoo” of a locomotive, the “ha-ha- haha” = “toot-toot-poppop” (how the heck do you spell a fart sound?) Anyway, it’s actually pretty amazing how long a locomotive can be!

So yeah, I’ve finally accepted the fact that girls fart too. And it’s actually not any different than a guy farting. Except that girls are usually more polite and discreet about it.

Guys will fan it across the room as if it were some sort of wonderful thing to be shared. Or make a game out of it like, “pull my finger.” Can you imagine a girl coming up to you and saying, “hey, pull my finger”? I’ve even seen friends running around the room in search for a lighter. Everyone would gather round to see what the frantic was all about. Then all of a sudden there’s an audience to display the “flaming fart!

I once visited a good friend of mine in college. He went to the University of Arizona. And if you’ve ever been to Arizona during the summer, you know how scorching hot it gets. There were 4 of us in his car, in the boiling heat. He randomly asks us if we’ve ever experienced an “Arizona Hot Box“…

He then rolls up and locks the windows, shuts the air conditioning off and turns the heater on full-blast. And of course at that time in our lives we associated the term ’hot box’ with smoking something. I vaguely remember one of my friends getting all excited. Next thing we know, there’s the most horrific stench in the air!!

Lemme tell you. Over 100 degrees + blaring hot sun + 4 sweaty and sticky dudes + hot air blowing the nasty stench from some guy’s innards

= NOT a Good Time

We were all yelling and gasping for air while my buddy Josh was laughing his ass off. Since he locked the windows there was nothing we could do except stuff our faces in our shirts attempting to filter out some of the repulsive funk. He finally opened the windows in order to avoid a car accident because we all started punching him.

So remember:

• Next time you’re in a room with a bunch of people and you hear or smell someone rip a fart, it actually may have been the girl! Everyone always ASSumes it’s a guy.
• If anyone ever asks you if you want an Arizona Hot Box… RUN!