How I Survived ‘Step-Fathering’ 2 Teenagers

“People always talk about wanting to have kids, but no one ever talks about wanting to have teenagers.”

That’s a quote from my friend’s mom when she heard I was taking in 2 kids who were just turning 12 and 14. I was 28 at the time! Yeah, this was right around the time of Ashton and Demi!

Remember when you were a teenager? ……..No, not the parties and crazy times. Imagine being Your parent!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids and blessed to have them. One thing I’ve learned is that kids teach you a lot about yourself and force you to grow.

I will say that coming into a teenager’s life as a step-father is a challenge that few men are up for, and rightfully so.

Not only have they already developed a strong sense of personality traits and characteristics that may contradict yours, they can be fiercely rebellious. It’s the time they start to question authority, especially their parents’. Teenagers often think they know so much more than you…

It’s a time of grand under-appreciation and taking parents for granted. And in most cases, it’s also when they have serious entitlement issues. For most parents, this is the time the gray hairs really start to pop up. (Luckily I don’t have any!)

To make things even more fun, a teenage son and teenage daughter are completely different entities. Don’t think because you know how to handle one, you know how to handle the other!

Although I missed the “baby stage” of dirty diapers, sleepless nights and messy rooms, (actually, still got the messy rooms), that crucial time of development and establishing a parental bond with children was non-existent for me. Instead, I had a crash course in parenting and had to earn their trust, respect and eventually their hearts. Phew!

Lucky for me, my wife instilled a strong sense of justice and integrity into the kids when they were young. They are genuinely wonderful kids. I don’t think I would’ve been strong enough to go through it otherwise. In fact, I know it.

My daughter is incredibly independent for her age. She always was. This relieved a huge amount of responsibility, emotionally and financially. She did put my wife and I through Hell and back a few times though. But what teenager doesn’t?

Having a teenage daughter can be extra stressful. Especially if she’s pretty. My daughter looked like she was 18 when she was 14. And we all know that’s trouble!

Ever seen the movie THIRTEEN? It may scare the crap out of you as a parent, but you need to see it! It’s a wake up call.

It was especially hard for my wife. She literally watched her daughter transform from a sweet little angel into…  well not that. At least it only lasted a few years. Between the ages of 14-16 were the toughest of all.

My son was the polar opposite at that age. Like most younger siblings, he learned from his older sister’s mistakes. But the challenges with him were actually harder in some ways.

Girls are more in touch with their emotions. At that age, they’re able to express themselves more than boys. Boys tend to bury things up inside. He had a hard time expressing himself and communicating.

The greatest lesson I learned from taking in teenagers is the lesson of giving true unconditional love.

And let me tell you, talking about it and living it are 2 entirely different things! I was tested many, many times. Double Phew!!

It’s easy to love someone when things are good. HOW you Approach and Resolve “the challenges” is where the true tests are.

And if Real Love isn’t in your approach and resolve, the kids will know it – they can intuitively feel it. I promise you that.

It can be the hardest thing to detach yourself from high emotions that comes from parenting teens and love someone for [who you know they can be] instead of [who they are showing you at the time].

Even though they were teenagers and physically coming into adulthood, they were still very much little kids inside.

To be honest, I can’t really take the credit for anything. I feel like, for the most part, all I did was survive it! I give all the credit to the help of some great resources and role models. I can’t tell you how incredibly valuable it is to understand some psychology and different styles of communication.

But the #1 thing that got me through it was the support of my incredible wife. Without her wisdom and support our marriage, or my sanity, may not have made it.

Now my daughter is amazingly independent. She developed a work ethic unmatched by any other teenage girl. Who do you know at that age that can hold a full-time job while still in high school?

She is the youngest person to ever be hired at the Four Seasons Hotel. If you know the Four Seasons, they don’t hire teenagers.

Her enthusiastic energy often puts her at the center of attention wherever she goes. Highly sociable and street savvy, she had the resume of a young professional by the time she was 19.

It took years to gain the trust and love of my step-daughter, but it was well worth it.

My son is the most refined and emotionally mature teenager I’ve ever met. His social intelligence and empathetic nature are sure to lead him to a successful life. He just graduated high school and is more than ready to build a wonderful life.

His previous struggles to communicate and express himself are developing into a high level of critical thinking ability and great articulation in conveying his thoughts and feelings.

So was it worth it? I can honestly answer that with a resounding, (and relieved) YES!

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